So what do women want when it comes to relationships? It’s an age old question, and one which I’m sure will continue to play with the minds of future generations, both male and female.
Now before we get into it I have to preface this Blog post by saying that unlike Chaka Khan, I’m not every woman, and if truth be told I’m not even your typical woman, so what follows is a mix of my own introspective reflections together with an amalgamation of the discussions and conversations that I’ve had with women over the 15 years that I’ve been doing Relationship Coaching and over the years working as a magazine ‘Agony Aunt’ and columnist.
Please also recognise that this isn’t attempting to be an exhaustive list, how could it be when we are all so deliciously individual? This is a summary and edited highlights of the issues that come up time and time again with the women that I speak to, coach, and work with as they discuss what they most want from men.
And yes, yes, yes, I know, there is an opposite side of the coin list that could be written about what men want but as I’m not a man I’ll leave that for a man to handle.
Also what I’m not talking about here is the one night stand or quick fling relationships. By their very nature those types of relationships have less or indeed no long term desires or expectations. Nor am I talking about marriage, as that has a whole other set of dynamics that come into play.
What I am talking about is those early days of a relationship, that getting to know you phase, as you make a decision about those all important next steps and whether or not you actually want to take them.
1. Who Are You?
Women want to know who you are. What is it that makes you tick? What sits beneath and behind the bravado and bluster? What are your hopes and dreams? What shapes who you are and the way that you perceive life? We don’t need to know this all in one go or on the first date. We do however want to know that at some stage you’d be willing to share at least some of those aspects with us, otherwise how can we check where our respective values and interests lie.
2. What Do You Want?
It seems like a simple enough question, however when posed it has often been met with silence, which for me usually means don’t pass go. I once decided to see if moving forwards despite the silence would further open things up, and the answer to that was a resounding no. If you don’t at least have an idea about what you want out of a relationship, how can you bring anything but confusion to the table? If you just want to have fun, be casual, bag a one night stand, scope for a future wife, get over your ex, pass a couple of hours because you’re bored, say so. At least then both parties can be clear about whether they are on the same page, and assess whether they’re even looking at the same book!
3. To Know You Care
We live in a busy world with a 1001 distractions, however even the most independent of women often still want to know that you care, and that when we are out of sight it’s not always a case of out of mind. There might not be time for keeping in touch during the day but at least come home and say “I missed you” or “I thought about you today” if that is truly the case. If that isn’t the case, therein lies a clue about where the relationship might be headed!
I subsequently saw this post by Daniel Nielsen on the Sageword Facebook page and it eloquently sums up these first three points:
“A real woman is a warrior of the heart. She will never settle for a man who cannot reveal his soul. She knows that unless his heart is on display demonstrating his true self, that what he offers is just an illusion to get what he wants. Only when a man has done the soul work does her soul recognize him. Only when a man has learned to listen to his heart can he hear her calling to him. She knows that a man, who understands who he is and has learned to go within to deal with his ego and his character, is also a man who can provide her with the depth of love that she is looking for. It is only a man who knows how to walk with her in the secret garden of her soul that has the key to unlock the reservoir of love that she longs to pour out upon him. And because she is a warrior of the heart, she will not settle for anything less.”
4. A Space
Similar to the ‘out of sight out of mind’ scenario, we want to know that we occupy at least some space in your heart and in your mind. We don’t have to be your top priority; we do however want some standing in the hierarchy of your life rather than feeling like another job that you have to fit into your busy life and schedule.
5. Honesty
I think as human beings we most likely all have parts or aspects of ourselves that remain private, our little foibles and insecurities, those things that don’t stop the flow of our lives yet make us a little bit weird that we’d prefer to keep to ourselves. What I’m talking about here is the big blatant obvious lies: “Are you single?” Saying yes when it transpires that the answer is clearly no. “Are you interested in us really getting to know each other?” Answering yes when clearly all you’re interested in is a quick sexual fix or fling. Do you enjoy [insert whatever your question is here] and you basically say you love it when in fact you have no real interest and it actually drives you crazy. Saying you like a ‘xyz’ type of woman, yet when faced with those traits you resent them and try to crush and change them. All of this is tantamount to lying on your CV to get the job.
6. Less Guessing
Some mystery and excitement, and the joy and frisson of the unknown is wonderful, and from what I have seen from over 60 years worth of documented research when interviewing couples, it is one of the keys to a great long term relationship. Keep that delicious mystery and intrigue and drop the ridiculous guessing games. Women do tend to be intuitive which can sometimes seem like we are mind readers yet it is frankly just annoying when we are left wondering “Is he interested?” “Does he really care?” “Does his elusive behaviour mean that I should leave him alone until spoken to?” He says ‘keep in touch’ yet doesn’t so am I being a nuisance, too pushy, too keen, etc? All crazy stuff which could very easily be eliminated with some honest communication. I was a big fan of Columbo and Miss Marple when I was growing up however it doesn’t feel as though adult relationships are the place for such drama.
7. The 4 C’s
Connection. Contact. Continuity. Communication.
This contains elements of some of the above. I have found that women like to feel a connection to you, as though they are important to you, as though they matter, as though they are part of the fabric of your life. As though we are in your thoughts for at least some of the time. We also want a connection to the unseen part of you, the part that you might call your spirit or your soul.
Keep in touch and in contact. If we matter and we’re in a relationship, keep in touch. Send a random text message if you think of your partner, make a surprise phone call every now and then. Leave a little hidden post it note where you know your girl will find it. If you’re in the area, ask if we can meet up for an impromptu dinner or lunch. They might seem like tiny and insignificant things to you, however they can make a massive difference in terms of what you come home to.
We also like continuity of contact. Not this show up, hook up, and then disappear like Scotch mist for weeks at a time. You don’t need to be in contact every 5 minutes. Just find out from your lady what feels good and see if your schedule allows you to at least in part oblige.
Communication is a big word and covers a multitude of things. Because it is both verbal and nonverbal it also encompasses the other C’s, and several of the other elements outlined in this Blog. For those who have done at least a little bit of delving into the realm of male and female communication, you would have most likely come across John Gray’s bestselling book Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus where he talked about men needing to retreat into their cave. I know many women who metaphorically speaking also need to do the same. If you need your space so say rather than turning on the cold shoulder or disappearing.
The late Robin Williams put it brilliantly where he noted how sad it was that you can be surrounded by people yet be totally alone. When the 4 C’s are lacking it is possible to be ‘with’ someone yet still feel totally alone.
8. An Answer
The answer might be to an elephant in the room question that hovers and hangs over the relationship, or it might be as simple as: “Do you want to meet up this week?” Many women who have taken a chance and put an invitation out have found that their questions goes into a black hole of non-response. The men I’ve spoken to about this have said there is a chance that the man in question doesn’t understand that he has been asked a question that requires an answer, however even when topped off with: “Let me know . . .” or comes with an obvious timeframe (i.e., Do you want to meet up on Saturday night?) it still often meets with silence so women are left to conclude that they would rather not get together. It does help just to provide a straight answer. If it’s a ‘no’ great, we can all move on and not be left dangling.
9. Trust
We want to be able to trust you, and not just in the obvious ‘you’re in a monogamous relationship so let me know beforehand if you meet someone else’ kind of way although that does help if you are in such a relationship. We want to know that we can trust you with our heart, with our feelings, with our emotions, with our soul. For women who are seeking a deeper connection it can take a massive amount of courage and vulnerability to open up to someone and we want to know that we can trust you with that gift.
10. Truth
Admit when you’ve been caught in a lie
It’s the difference between ripping off the band aid when presented with an opportunity to do so vs pulling it off slowly over time, piece by piece, hair by hair, painful follicle by painful follicle. I once had a partner who had an affair. When I couldn’t understand his sudden change in behaviour and short tempered snappiness I asked that fateful questions several times. I was always met with anger, disbelief, and worse still, turning it on me such that I began to think that I was irrational and crazy and bad for even thinking such a thing. When the truth did out their excuse, which I do understand, is that they didn’t want to hurt me. I get the logic in that, and it would have been a lot less painful if I wasn’t left to unravel years of lies and self doubt.
11. Are You A Man or A Boy?
And your bonus for 10 is to identify if you are a man or a boy. Both seem to be inherently different species, looking for different things in life. If you know you still play emotional games and do the things that boys do, that’s fine, own it, and just don’t pretend otherwise because that just seems to create heartache and heartbreak all round.
When I first started in this line of work, as a result of my own traumatic relationship break up after my fiance had an affair, the bulk of my work was around breaking up and how to pick up the shattered pieces and learn to trust again. Of course I still do some of that because it’s hugely important not to drag your old emotional baggage into new or future relationships, what is also really interesting me at the moment is the plethora of amazing men and women who say they are looking for and open to being in a relationship yet are finding it difficult to meet someone. I am hoping that this goes someway to removing those blocks and barriers to connection and intimacy. (To read a copy of the London Metro Newspaper article above, click here).
And where to begin?
If you are single and looking for a relationship, there are 15 or so key questions that I ask my Breakthrough Coaching clients, both male and female, a couple of those questions include:
- Are you ‘Relationship Ready’ in that you are in the right place and space to be there both for yourself and another person.
- Would you go out with you?
- Of the things that you say that you want or desire in a partner, how do you shape up against those? Of course no one if perfect, however if you want a partner who is open and communicative, you have to be at least working on being able to reciprocate that yourself.
Keep in touch!
One of the things that I think is hugely important, not just in relationships, but in the world at large is good reasoned dialogue and communication, so I’d love to hear your thoughts and comments, and if you have any others that are important to you, so do please share them below or on my Facebook page.
I’m also working on a project to remove some of the angst and bring more fun into the realm of dating and relationships so I’ll post further details on this site as it unfolds.
Thank you for taking the time to read this, and if you found it useful or thought provoking do click like and share it.
Warm regards,
Marilyn Devonish ♥
ABOUT MARILYN DEVONISH
Marilyn Devonish is a Freelance Magazine Writer, Life & Executive Coach, Opening the Heart Therapist, Hypnotherapist, Certified NLP Trainer, Soul Plan Reader, Time Line Therapist, and Future Life Progression Consultant. She is also a Corporate Trainer, Management Consultant, and Prince2 Project Manager.
Having studied a number of modalities over the years, everything from Reiki, Past Life Regression, Hawaiian Huna, EFT, EmoTrance, DNA Theta Healing, through to Archetypal Profiling and Angel Tarot Card Readings, Marilyn uses her unique and eclectic mix of both business and esoteric skills to help people release and resolve old emotional trauma and baggage so that they can move on with both their personal and professional lives.
Marilyn has been in therapeutic client practice since 2000.
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