There are often 2 big questions when someone commits suicide: “Why and how?”
The first I think is human nature, we want to know “why” so we can maybe stop it happening to ourselves or someone we care about. We also want to understand their psyche at the time. The second question is often an attempt to get your head around it and find some kind of closure in amongst the chaos and confusion of it all. I am not offended by either question however I know many are.
I Might Social Media Schedule My Suicide Letter
If I ever commit suicide I will probably leave a note. Might even schedule it to go out via social media after I’ve gone. Why? Because the weight and burden of unanswered questions is real. I saw it in glorious technicolor again this week. The note probably won’t help you by the way because you’ll just try and decipher every single word and line looking for further clues about what you could have done even though it was my journey.
#Suicide can be a complex issue. I have seen it from many sides and facets having contemplated it myself in September 2000, through to working as a #Samaritans volunteer a year later answering the phone and welcoming visitors to our centre, a house on St Johns Road, Watford WD17 where I spoke both to those contemplating suicide, and to the family and friends left behind.
I have also had suicidal clients during my time as Coach and Therapist. I am still in contact with many of them socially to this day, some a good 16+ years later.
My Possible Suicide Note
Delving back through the years in no particular order here’s what it might have said although I probably wouldn’t have been as wordy:
“I can’t take anymore. Nothing I do seems to go right. It’s just one thing after another and there’s no way out. Nowhere to turn. And just when I think I’ve got my head above water, or things are back on track BAM!!!! (Imagine the old Batman graphics) something else happens to pull the rug from under me.
I should be able to sort this out. No one else can help me, they’ve all got their own problems and challenges so I don’t want to burden or worry them with mine. It would just be easier if I wasn’t here. I wouldn’t have to worry anymore and “wait for the other shoe to drop” and neither would they.
Life is too hard. What’s the point. I know Yaz said “the only way is up” I just see a continuous dark hole. Why me?
If what I was doing was going to work it would have done so by now. I can’t face another year of this. This isn’t what life is supposed to be about. I’m tired. I can’t face another round of raised hopes followed by crashing disappointments; of trying and failing. I feel let down. Is this it? Is this what my life is about?
I can’t share this with you. What would you think of me? No. I can’t live with you knowing that about me.
If there is a way to feel and be happy and make this work show me now or I think I’m done. I can’t paper smile my way through another day. I’m here but I’m not here. You can see me but I don’t feel the joy you all seem to feel. So close yet out of my reach and grasp. I’m here but also on the outside looking in. It’s just me. The way I am.
I’m out of ideas but this I think I can do then I won’t have to think about any of this ever again. Relief!”
-0-
On my way to the funeral of a Facebook friend who committed suicide on 2nd January this was one of the messages that flashed up on the screen at the station while waiting for my severely delayed train.
My journey to look at my suicidal thoughts in September 2000 started with a call to the Samaritans.
As the old BT advert used to say, it’s good to talk.
The friend and I had been Facebook friends for many years however we had only met in person once. It was one of those “high impact” meetings.
We were at a personal development event at Earls Court waiting for the doors to open.
The first thing I noticed were his shoes. I then worked my way up to admire the very well tailored suit with the electric purple lining.
He was a man of style who by all accounts was always there for others with a smile and/or stern word, and a big dose of inspiration.
I think his larger than life persona has meant this has hit people hard because they can’t understand “why” he would end things this way.
This was a reminder that you sometimes never really know what’s going on for someone because he was like the modern day designer version of Mr Motivator (think 1980s, GMTV).
I walked back to the station with another mourner who also couldn’t understand why because “he was the last person you would expect to commit suicide.”
I explained it from my suicidal days whilst also noting it can be a complex issue and different for everyone.
Go back and listen to Smokey Robinson. He sang a song back in the day that explains how the two can be compatible.
His family hope his passing in this way will encourage others to help and support each other. I call it #TheConversation
It doesn’t always change such an outcome. You do however have a sense you did what you can do.
He had a beautiful send off and it was standing room only. RIP LB 💜💜💜
The display on his hearse said LEGEND because that is what he was for many people through the lives he changed, transformed and impacted.
Surreal and Deja Vu
The whole day was surreal in many ways. My first train was cancelled and the following one running 20 minutes late. I asked that I be there in perfect time. As I arrived at the church is hearse pulled up alongside me.
As I listened to the tributes, many of which included the word or idea of “transformation” I was reminded of the word and logo I chose back in 2001 to represent what I do.
It almost felt like listening to what people might say about me when I am no longer here, and the shock they might feel if someone “larger than life” inspirational, who was always there for others took their own life.
There is also something I started saying to my Breakthrough Coaching clients back in the year 2000 where they had great ideas but were too afraid or lacked the confidence or self-belief to get out into the world and bring those ideas to life:
“There’s no point being a legend in your own living room.”
As the funeral service for my friend began a couple sat one person away from me with their newborn baby who looked all of a few weeks old if that. It reminded me of the glorious cycle of life. As one leaves, another enters.
The Ripple Effect
If you need to talk call the Samaritans: 116 123 (United Kingdom)
They are now calling it the ‘domino effect’ which is very similar to my water drop logo ripple effect; you never know what impact even the smallest conversation might have, AND, that said, you can have all the conversations in the world and that may not change the outcome for everyone who has decided to commit suicide. I see it more as knowing you did everything you could do at the time to be there for someone or hold the space.
The reason I called the Samaritans is because I didn’t want my family or friends to hear my thoughts and what I was going through so it was easier to talk to a complete stranger.
Suicide and Entrepreneurship
The day after the funeral Gary Vaynerchuk aka Gary Vee posted a video about the struggles of entrepreneurship and suicide and the fact it is rarely talked about. If there’s a YouTube version I’ll add it here.
If I look at my life today and put it into the context of 18 years ago there are definitely things I’m tired of. The nature of my work means I’ve got massively high churn because I often work with someone once, often for as little as 1-hour or it it’s a Breakthrough Session 1-day and then we’re done, problem resolved, so there’s a constant requirement for new clients.
Also the rally to organise events and often single handedly spread the word because client are often very secretive and reluctant to publicly share is also an aspect that can take its toll on the psyche and make life seem extra hard at times.
Keep Talking
I have been speaking, writing, Blogging, and Coaching on this subject for the past 18 years. You will find more here: https://marilyndevonish.com/category/ageing-dying/ In amongst it all there may be something that can help you or shed further light on a question.
I may add to this Blog over time. I might also ask the family of the recent deceased friend if I can add his photograph to this post because you will then see what I mean by “larger than life.” For now go well.
#LifeLessons #BeingHuman #TheConversation
Marilyn Devonish
The NeuroSuccess Coach
Email: marilyn@tranceformationsTM.com
Website: http://www.tranceformationstm.com
Blog: https://marilyndevonish.com