“He’s an a*$hole” as a friend recently put it as she recounted yet another story and experience of almost dating a guy who did the f*@k and run. I say ‘almost dating’ because she believed by his previous actions that they were. And not all of them get or go as far as sleeping with a woman but this particular type of man plays with women’s hearts nonetheless
I kind of have to apologise up front because this isn’t the respectful or polite way that I would usually title or start a Blog post, however my friends words really resonated and captured the mood and flavour of this whole unsavoury and distasteful situation.
In this Blog I have shared 15 of the most common reasons that men disappear without a trace and offer some suggestions on how they might handle the situation a little differently.
Girl Meets Boy . . . . . Boy Chases Girl
It is the seemingly age old story that whether you are male or female have most likely heard in some guise before. Someone, in this case a woman, gets involved with a guy, she thinks that it is going somewhere, and then ‘BAM’ out of the blue, it’s all over, with no explanation, no final conversation, no nothing, just radio silence and it is over, and to find him felt as though it would require the Secret Service and tracker dogs.
In this scenario there were the flirty and sexual innuendo text messages. The “if only I weren’t so snowed under with work I’d be there to take you now” phone calls, and the fleeting liaisons of passionate kissing and getting to first and second base in his lunch hour from work when he decided that he could fit her in. Usually at ridiculously short notice.
And then, after the sexual tension and expectation had been built up between them he hurt his shoulder and asked if he could go round for a massage. My friend (who does know that I’m sharing this story because she’s sick of this situation and wants some answers) isn’t a masseuse, however she’s got good natural skills in this area on account of previously being in a profession where such skills were required to help keep her people on the road.
So he comes over. She gives him the massage. He says how good she is and that her promise of fantastic massages and having healing hands had more than lived up to and exceeded his expectations. This time it was late in the evening so there was no excuse for an offload and then go running back to the office. One thing led to another and they slept together.
Great, the long and flirtatious, ‘does he really like me, does he not’ game was finally over. She was ecstatic the next day. She could relax, safe in the knowledge that he felt the same way about her because up until that point she wasn’t sure if he was all talk and no trousers so to speak. He was kind, polite, gentle, considerate, and still a little bit evasive, however she put that down to the getting to know each other phase and wanting to keep some things private. (In my world that was classed as a red flag but I let those stories and displays of his weirdness slide because I wanted to be happy for my friend).
The day after the day after she was still a happy bunny although the glow was wearing off because she hadn’t heard anything from him.
Gone were the flirty text messages and impromptu phone calls. In came the silence. I mean, if this was a movie it would be a classic Western, where tumbleweed was blowing through the streets after a big showdown.
“OK, so he’s got a busy job” she reasoned, trying to remain logical and rational . . . .
Day 3, and still nothing, nada, zilch, zero. She then, having played the “I don’t want to look too desperate or clingy and call” gave in and sent him a “lovely to spend time with you, hope work is OK” text. Nothing, nada, zilch, zero.
By day 5 of radio silence the ecstatic feeling was starting to turn into anger and rage. Now, had she called or texted him at this point she would have most likely been cast as another bunny boiler crazy which would most likely then further justify his reasons for not calling.
By day 10 the anger and rage had turned to self-doubt and insecurity, and this is where I get a bit bunnyish because I see so many sane, beautiful, capable, caring, intelligent women have their confidence and self-esteem eroded by such men.
Look, I know what it is to be busy, to be working a 39 hour day and doing a non-stop 37 day week, and no, those aren’t typos or metaphors. However even when I’m pushing that kind of schedule I can still find the time, even if it’s on my way to the bathroom, to send a quick message to the people that I care about who need to or appreciate hearing from me if I want to.
So unless your name is Obama and you are charged with running the free world, what in god’s name causes people to behave like this? And I said people because I know that this type of behaviour isn’t reserved just for men.
I have summarised a small selection of the options and reasons for such behaviour below. Many of which I’ve had to endure and try and figure out countless numbers of times over the years whilst listening to both friends and my Coaching clients.
Some of those which go towards explaining this behaviour include:
He’s just not that into you. In which case gentlemen (and I use that term very loosely in this context) just SAY SO!!! Don’t leave women hanging around like the proverbial puppet on a string.
He thought he was into you and now suddenly he’s not. See point number one above for your next required next action.
He was only after one thing. Sex. Men (again I use that term loosely because I really see this as boyhood playground crap) if that is the case, don’t be acting like you are boyfriend material. Be upfront, say that you’re a horn dog, and sniff around women who are looking for the same thing.
He’s busy. We’re back to running the free world again. I don’t know about your phone or communication devices, but even my old Blackberry (yes, yes, hoof it Apple fans, I’m way faster in my responses using a proper keyboard) comes with lazy pre written text messages, predictive text, and pictures of a thumb as in ‘thumbs up’, ‘message received’, or ‘I hear ha.’ I mean really, how hard is it, and how long does it take to swipe open and hit one icon?
You did something that upset him. If that is the case, tell her, or at least meet up again to observe whether it is a pattern of behaviour. If it’s innate and will never change and it’s a deal breaker, say so and move along. If it was a dating blip, work on it together.
He doesn’t know what he wants so retreats in confusion in case she’s now pulling out copies of Bride Magazine. OK, newsflash. Although those women are out there, not every woman is looking to rush down, or is that up the aisle at the first sign of attention, particularly when they are in their 50’s as is the case in this scenario.
He’s an a*$hole, or as a Facebook friend who commented on a similar post I shared this week, a dick. In which case tell the woman you’re an idiot when it comes to affairs of the heart so that she doesn’t have to sit around wondering what’s wrong with her or what she’s done wrong.
He’s inconsiderate or thoughtless. Just because 2 or 3 weeks might not be a long time in your universe, basic common sense, common decency, or some semblance of sensory acuity or social awareness from at least watching a few chick flick movies would tell you that when you’re getting to know a woman and in the early stages of dating, even 3 or 4 days with no response to messages is a long time, much less several weeks.
He doesn’t know how to articulate his feelings. Erm, try. Even a smiley face text message to acknowledge receipt or agree with your partners sentiments is better than bugger all.
He’s a ‘playa’ as we used to say back in the day. A man who likes the thrill of the chase and the tension and frisson of it all but then moves on to the next piece of meat once the chase is over.
He’s a manipulative game player. Years ago there was a book called The Rules which stipulated what you needed to do and how you needed to act at certain stages of the dating game, so he might be playing some kind of game to see how you react.
It’s an ego thing. Some men like to prove that they can get a particular woman, not because they want her, just to prove to themselves or whoever their tribe might be that then can have her.
He’s rude. What can I say; some have no basic manners. In these cases I ask men to consider how they would feel if a man treated their daughter, niece, sister, or mother in the same way.
He’s a boy. I’ve long since been talking about the fact that in modern western society, many cultures no longer have a rite of passage where boys officially learn what it is to become a man. The result I believe is a society littered with people who physically look like men but have the emotional maturity of a child. In this age of information and personal development there’s kind of no excuse for those who do want to emotionally grow up however you’ve got to be aware that manhood is more than a number, and want to actually evolve.
He’s had bad experiences in the past and something you did reminded him of that. Well dude if that’s the case figure out if your potential new love really is the same and if so tell her you don’t think it will work out. Also explore why you might keep on attracting the same crazies or types of relationships.
And there’s more. Whichever of these it might be, and there are a myriad of others, the question I had to gently pose to my friend was whether she wanted a man who treated her in this way in her life.
How do you choose to be treated?
I had to ask her both as a friend and a Coach:
Whether she wanted to be walking on eggshells waiting to do the next inexplicable thing ‘wrong.’
Whether she wanted to be waiting around and never knowing where she stood.
Whether she wanted to be treated like an afterthought rather that one of his first thoughts.
Whether she wanted to be with someone who didn’t value her time or energy.
Whether she wanted to be with someone who must on some level knowingly be breaking a piece of her heart.
I’m all for a bit of fun and flirting, but if that’s all it’s ever gonna be let your plaything know that upfront so that they don’t waste time getting emotionally invested in something that will never pay any dividends.
I have no definite words which can explain to my friend why he would do such a thing and we’ve been left to guess and speculate based on what both men and women have shared with me previously.
So to all the men who play this game please be aware that one of the reasons that women get mad and act a little crazy and clingy and do many of the other things that you’re said to fear is because you behave in ways which invoke and invite and help ignite such behaviour.
Be aware for some women it hurts. They can feel rejected, and if you’ve slept with them on the premise of exploring a relationship they can feel violated, taken advantage of, and used. They can start doubting themselves and feeling as though they must have done something to deserve such crappy treatment.
If you are someone who has played these games I would love to hear your views and comments so either leave them below or drop me an e-mail because it would also make wonderful research for the forthcoming book on relationships and dating.
Yours sincerely,
Marilyn Devonish ♥
ABOUT MARILYN DEVONISH
Marilyn Devonish is a Coach, Hypnotherapist, Soul Plan Reader, part-time Agony Aunt, Freelance Writer, and Author of the upcoming book, The Book of NeuroSuccess – How to Supercharge Your Brain in Just 28-Days. She is passionate and curious about what makes people tick and how you can change limiting beliefs, habits, and behaviours in order to live a fulfilling, successful, and happy life.
Website: www.tranceformationsTM.com
Is He/She The One MP3 & Workbook: www.tranceformationsTM.com/audio
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E-mail: marilyn@tranceformationsTM.com
The upcoming book will be available for pre-order shortly.