The Accidental Rebellion. Are you living or suppressing yours?

The Accidental Rebellion & Living A Life That Is A Statement

I’ve never set out to be in rebel or start a rebellion or make a statement.  In fact, as a girl who was quiet and shy and lacking in confidence and low in self esteem right up until the age of 32, this couldn’t have been further from my mind, and, if consciously acknowledged would have sent me running for the hills.

So, how did it all come about?  How did I come to be the first one in my family to do many things, starting in my early 20’s, which even today are frowned upon?

“The start of the accidental rebellion – Harrods and Barkers of Kensington”

harrods-logo

I was 15 years old at the time.  Sat awaiting my interview at what was then the Harrods and House of Fraser Group, and I was at the now departed Barkers of Kensington flagship store situated on Kensington High Street in London.

My mum had sent me on a reconnaissance mission earlier in the week so that I knew where I was going and how to navigate the tube.  Thank goodness that she did because I ended up going the wrong way round on the Circle Line because I hadn’t realised that it was a circle that flowed both ways!

As I walked around the shop floor, looking at all of the shiny and comparatively expensive goods on offer (my main shopping haunt at the time was Brixton Market) I had this strange feeling that standing behind a counter as a perfumery girl was not for me (my interview was for a job in the perfumery department).  I couldn’t put my finger on it, it was just a feeling.  Actually, that’s a lie.  I know exactly what it was, the perfumery girls were all immaculate, gorgeous, and perfectly turned out, and I was, and still am a bit on the messy side, not immaculately and neatly dressed, and don’t wear make up.

Twiggy.  Photograph courtesy of Barry Lategan
Twiggy. Photograph courtesy of Barry Lategan

So the day of my interview came and I arrived in good time, and I waited, and I waited, and I waited, and I waited.  When I first arrived the HR Director said hello to me on her way out.  When she returned almost 2 hours later she was surprised to still see me sitting there.  It turns out the person due to interview me had gotten caught up in a ‘meeting’ atop the Kensington Roof Gardens so the HR Director, feeling sorry for me, interviewed me instead.  Oh how I think the lord for that.

“Thank You Kensington Roof Gardens!”

Given what I was studying and what I enjoyed doing the HR Director said she didn’t think that I was suited for the perfumery department and asked if I would consider working in the Accounts Department and Export Office instead.  I jumped at the chance, and as it transpired, besides ‘Jess’ who was of Asian origin, I was the only black person to work in those departments for most of the 5 years that I was there.

“And then came the boyfriends – Sikh and an Englishman!”

Mixed race couple
The stigma of being in a mixed race couple

First I ended up secretly going out with a son of an enemy (according to my mum) of the family, well, it had to be done, I’d fancied him since the age of 7!  Next however came the real groundbreaker, dating a Sikh.  There really wasn’t any rebellion involved, it just happened that that person I chose was a Sikh.  As far as I aware no one in my family had ever done such a thing.  That however was the least of it.  The repercussions from his side of the family were wide, deep, and far reaching . . . . . Dad’s having actually heart attacks (well spasms at least), shame on entire families . . . . . .

Next came the Englishman.  Again, no rebellion intended, that was just the person I ended up falling for, and, if truth be told, probably the person I would have stayed with had it not been for the affair.  (Long story and a whole other Blog post!)  This relationship was outside of the confines of the bubble that is University life so I was acutely aware of the stigma attached to it.  I even made a conscious decision not to introduce him to my family until I was sure, and for the first few months, following the same train of thought there was kind of an unwritten rule not to hold holds as we strolled through the streets of South London.  Crazy when I think about it now.

“I’m giving up the Accountancy to become a Hypnotherapist instead!”

And then there was the area of work and career.  All of my siblings are in professional careers and play at the top of their field of expertise.  And then there was me, giving up what should have been a promising and sensible career before it had even gotten started.  I went from studying with the ACCA to become a Chartered Accountant, to giving it all up to become a Hypnotherapist and NLP Master Practitioner and Trainer instead.  Again, it wasn’t a rebellion, just something inside saying ‘this is not for you . . . .this is for you.’

“And then there was a criminal element hair”

Marilyn Devonish photo
Marilyn Devonish with dreadlocks – still not widely accepted in some cultures

My hair had always been ‘difficult.’  For any black people reading this you will know what I mean.  Difficult to comb, difficult to wash, difficult to maintain, difficult to style, difficult to keep looking the way that I wanted it to look.  You would have then thought that going bald would have been a blessing in disguise.  Erm, NO!  For those women who choose the buzz cut I am sure that it is beautiful and liberating.  For those women that simply have their hair falling out by the handful and thinning right before their eyes, not quite so much fun, trust me.

So what did I do?  Realising that I didn’t want to wear a wig to cover the shiny patches, and knowing, after years of wearing hair extensions that there wasn’t enough hair or strength in the hair that did remain to support them, I decided to have locs instead, as in dreadlocks.  My hair is now waist length and after a few rocky years at the start I’ve never looked back.

I remember at one point whilst on holiday in the Caribbean, after spending several days at the beach, a close relative commenting that I needed to re-do my extensions.  The anger and horror when they realised that they weren’t extensions at all, but my own hair I remember to this day.  Why the anger?  Because in that part of the world, much of the local crime was associated with those sporting dreadlocks as their hairstyle of choice.

Did I do it to be rebellious or make a point?  No. I did it because It seemed like the right, and some respects the only option for me at the time.

“Do you see the pattern yet??????”

“What?  Still no man?”

Are you a 'sad single' or embracing your life?
Are you a ‘sad single’ or embracing your life?

And this holiday season I was reminded by a few of my older relatives that I am bucking the trend again by turning up at the family gathering a single girl.  And not just a single girl, a single woman with no kids.  Again, this isn’t to be rebellious, or prove a point, it is simply because I haven’t gotten that call yet.  That call and that inner knowing that a particular person or course of action is for me.  (And I suppose I should add that that my maternal clock has always been digital so it’s never ticked!)

There are probably dozens more ‘rebellious’ stories I could add into the mix however I think you get my drift.

“So what do I say to the silent rebels?  What words of advice do I have?”

The anonymous echos of silence
The anonymous echos of silence

So what would I say to those like me, the silent majority who seem to yearn for or be drawn to a course of action which is outside of the norm?  Those who want to choose something that might upset the status quo?  Those who in making the best decision for themselves in that time might run the risk of upsetting other people or overturning a culturally perceived apple cart?

Well first let me say this.  When I became a (life) Coach in the year 2000 I realised that it would be a good idea to stop giving advice.  That thought was re-confirmed a couple of years later when I became volunteer with The Samaritans.  So, if you are looking for straight out ‘do this do that‘ advice I can’t give you any of that.  What I will however share are a few questions to consider as you make what has to be the right decision at the time for you and those concerned.

  1. Check your motives.  Are you acting out of anger, or fear, or ‘I’ll show you?!’  If that is the case you might want to re-evaluate what you are about to do, and come back to it from a different energetic space.
  2. Does it knowingly hurt other people?  Now this is tricky.  I knew for instance, about 6 months into the relationship with my Sikh partner that other people would be hurt so eventually (alright, so it took me about 4 years) I decided that great as it was, it was best to call things a day because I knew that I didn’t want to live with the weight of responsibility that would inevitably come with someone having to give up their family and relatives for me.  I was in my early 20’s at the time.  Would I make the same decision now?  Who knows?
  3. Does it feel, with every fibre of your being, in spite of despite the fear or doubts, like the right and authentic thing for you to do?  If you want to get analytical about it, count percentages.  What percentage is a yes, and what percentage is made up of fear and doubt or a deep seated anxiety and a no?
  4. Does the sense of excitement and intrigue outweigh any fears or doubts?  Go back to Question 3 and check those percentages.  In Archetypal Profiling or Hero’s Journey terms, are you excited as you think about crossing that threshold or stepping into the unknown or the abyss?
  5. What do you think, how do you feel, what do you see, as you contemplate life staying the way it is now vs. Life making a new decision and moving forwards?  Does life remaining the same now fill you with a sense of dread or float you up like an excited helium balloon?
  6. If you were to go inside, to the core of your being, the seat of your soul, and the centre of your heart, what do you feel is truly best for you in this moment, given the circumstances as they present themselves?  Notice I don’t say ‘right’ for you.  That is deliberate because what I have also come to realise with many of my worst moments and ‘wrong’ decisions is that they have led to something far better that I could never have even predicted or contemplated with the knowledge that I had at my disposal at the time.

And on that note I leave you to contemplate your rebellious nature.

I can barely wait to see what boundaries I accidentally push through next.  All I can say is watch this space!

Marilyn x

PS: If you enjoyed this blog post or found it useful, please so share the link with others!

 

ABOUT MARILYN DEVONISH

Marilyn Devonish is a Social Commentator on life, a Keynote Speaker, Workshop Leader, and TranceFormational Change Coach.  With a mission to free and transform the hearts, souls, and minds of those that are ready, she has been a regular writer of newspaper and magazine columns and articles and radio and TV guest.

Her new Life TranceFormation® Programme launches in January 2014.

Website: www.tranceformationsTM.com 

E-mail: marilyn@tranceformationsTM.com

 

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